Don't get caught in any particular expression or flavour of seeing 'this'.
Life is a shifting flux of flavours and qualities.
Sometimes it appears to be complete fullness, love and bliss, or a heart-wrenching compassion. Sometimes it's just emptiness and silent aloofness.
Sometimes it is the thought that 'I am Enlightened' or 'I have the answer and can tell others about it', other times it is a total disinterest in thinking or talking about 'this'.
Sometimes it can be an almost fervent desire to communicate and share this with others, to scream it from the rooftops. Sometimes, not to be able to share this is a cruel loneliness.
Sometimes it's the impossibility of ever understanding this; a kind of lostness or confusion, which happens to no-body. Other times it may appear that there is someone there to be confused.
There are many experiences arising and passing endlessly.
But they cannot catch you. They will not cut you. Their blades are blunt.
They come and go in awareness as awareness.
It is this play of spices which gives life its profound and unique flavour. And...you are only ever tasting yourself. So enjoy the feast. Eat well and drink well.
The banquet is just for you.